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"This is not happening!
There's been a mistake!" These were some of my thoughts as I sat in the
doctors' office on Saturday, October 17, 1987. I felt like the devil had slapped
me in the face and said, "Surprise!! You thought you were going to be happy! Surprise!! Who told you that you were
going to get by that easy? I told you as a child, that you'd never be anything, you'd never have anything and no one would ever want you! Surprise!! Surprise!!"
A
visit to an ophthalmologist revealed Bilateral Retinoblastoma, which means that my 10-month old son had cancerous tumors in
the retinas of both of his eyes. I had just begun to live, so I thought.
I was twenty years old, had
been married going on two years, and what I always wanted was growing inside of me, a baby boy! I remember how happy I was throughout my pregnancy. Especially
after I got over the morning sickness and the migraine headaches! I’d watch closely as my stomach moved up, down, and all
around as my baby became more and more active. My stomach expanded far beyond
the waistband of most of my pants and skirts. But that was fine with me, because I felt privileged to have a life living and moving
around inside of me. I greatly anticipated his arrival.
At that time, medical technology
was not as advanced as it is
today. Sometimes the sonogram could reveal whether
the baby was a boy or a girl, and sometimes it could not. So, by faith I believed I had received what I’d asked God for--a baby
boy! Before
he was born, I bought most of his baby clothing and bedding in blue. When I rubbed my stomach, I called him Lil’
Kevin, which means “Kind and Gentle.” I read and talked to him everyday. I adjusted my diet according to what was recommended for expectant mothers. I loved
drinking Pepsi, but because of its’ caffeine content, I stopped drinking it. I craved Lucky Charms
in the morning
and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Sometimes I’d come home from work and my husband, whom I’ll refer to as Big Kevin because my son shares the same name, would
meet me at
the front door with the perfect combination of peanut butter and jelly
on a sandwich. You know how we are ladies, if the food we
crave is not just right, it just does not satisfy, and everyone around us knows it!
Therefore, it had to have two spoonfuls of peanut butter and one spoonful of jelly!
I also loved Kentucky Fried Chicken, but after I became pregnant, it tasted and smelled like every single piece was
burnt and cooked over an open fire. I don’t know how healthy my cravings
were, but they sure did satisfy!
Lil’ Kevin was my heart. Little
did I know that when God wants to get our attention, he tugs at our heart! There
are many plans in a man’s heart, but the purpose of God prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)
There are times when God shows
us the blessings He has in store for us, but what He does not show us is what we have to go through to get there. God gave Joseph a dream telling him that he would be used in a mighty way.
What He did not tell Joseph was that before the dream would become reality, he would be sold like a slave by his own
brothers, falsely accused, and thrown into jail.
I also had some dreams of my own, dreams
of having a loving marriage with lots of children. I also had dreams of singing
on stage in front of lots of people. Not just singing to sound good, but singing
to bring about a change in the lives of my audience. As a child I’d sit
in the window of my bedroom and sing, imagining I was in a movie or something. I
did a little bit of singing in middle school. One year, as the Christmas shoppers
traveled to and fro on a cold December afternoon, I sang Ave’ Marie with my school chorus. As a senior in high school, I sang for several school functions.
I’ve been a member of three different church choirs, being the lead singer for several songs. Still trying to pursue my passion, while I was one month pregnant with my third child, I took singing lessons
with Mrs. Carter, whose husband was the director of the Morgan State University choir in Baltimore, Maryland.
As for my dreams of having a family,
I always wanted 7 children. I used to sit in class while attending middle school,
and while some other kids would doodle and draw pictures on their notebooks, I’d write down 7 names, first and middle
names, of my future children. I would go to the Inner Harbor and sit on the bench
just to watch the babies go by in their strollers. So many precious faces, so
many wonderful little people. I’d dream of having a house full of these
precious little people. Unknowingly, God’s ultimate plan for my life was
just beginning!
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